As I’ve shared with many of you, a big part of my journey was unlocking my erotic blueprint.
For years, I had struggled in relationships because of disconnected sex, losing interest in partners quickly, and feeling VERY confused about this because I had so much erotic energy that I didn’t know what to do with- and didn’t know how to talk about it.
Once I realized my unique intimacy blueprint as an energetic sensual kinky type who also happens to be demisexual, my intimate life BLASTED open.
But before?
My relationships had really big struggles because of this.
Especially because I am an energetic type who needs emotional connection and safety to have sex…
And I was partnered with a sexual blueprint type who needs sex to feel emotional connection and safety!
When both partners are getting what they desire all things are gravy..
However- what do you do when 2 people have seemingly opposite needs in order to get their needs met??
Here’s what I use to help my clients work through this
1)Have a conversation about your needs, and bring 3 SPECIFIC requests that help you get your needs met. Being clear and specific helps your partner understand you better, and gets you practicing your communication skills. And remember to use “I” language instead of “you” language! (see this blog for further clarification). Remember, these are not demands, they are requests, and your partner should have some space to ask questions or negotiate alternatives.
2) Be willing to go first. Requiring that someone other than you takes the first step is placing yourself in the role of victim, and the other person in the role of hero. If you feel you always go first and being in receivership is important, make this one of your 3 specific requests that help you get needs met!
3) Learn to understand each other’s bids for intimacy. The same actions mean different things to different people. Just because for you, it’s not a big deal if something you ask your partner for happens later than planned, doesn’t mean it’s meaningless to them. Similarly, something that’s very meaningful for you may not hit your partner’s nervous system the same way. Learning and understanding these differences makes a huge difference in long term relationship success.
Are you wondering why I haven’t specifically mentioned sex yet?
Here’s what I have discovered while working as a sex and relationship coach..
Knowing your erotic and intimate blueprints is REALLY important and half of the battle.
The other half?
Is learning how to communicate clearly and specifically so your conversations can be effective and you can get something out of them!
Coming together just to bitch about what you don’t like about your partner is NOT the way to achieve intimacy.
The truth?
Having seemingly opposite erotic blueprints is never the problem.
The problem is that you haven’t talked about it openly, and wanted your partner to be a mind reader and “know” what you want instead of taking responsibility for yourself by saying what you like and don’t!
I’m not shaming you for that.
We are conditioned to people please, and are taught that asking for what you need erotically is slutty, bad, that your desires are too weird, that you should be ashamed for being sexual beings, and all kinds of whack a doodle shit that has blocked you from your fullest expression.
I AM teaching you a better way than suppressing your desires and getting passive aggressive or engaging in other, less than ideal behaviors that lead to resentment and break ups.
That’s why working through underlying limiting beliefs that block your expression is such a huge part of the work I do with my clients.
Let me know what’s landing, and what specific questions you have in the comments section below.
Book a call with me here to get
1)Clarity on your vision of relationship goals
2) 2-3 next steps to get there
3) Details on working with me as your guide!