Have you ever wondered why some people have great sex while other people, maybe even you, have mediocre experiences? Are you looking for proven techniques that will help you to have the best sex of your life so you can be a powerful, conscious, and skilled lover?
You, my friend, are about to get some powerful illumination on the secrets behind making sexual encounters AMAZING.. And understanding what has been killing it. And the answer to both of these? Are going to surprise you…
Sex Re-education 👩🏼🏫
I was watching a movie the other night, and there was a sex scene of a van bouncing around, a man and woman groaning, and then you heard the man “come”, and immediately the van stopped moving. Because of course, once the man is done? Sex is done, am I right? Ummmmm…. Yeah…No. And of course, before going into the van, they only made out for approx 30 seconds before taking their clothes off. Sound familiar?
This is the norm in virtually every Hollywood sex scene, and I believe this is part of what has made sex unsatisfying and often downright BAD for so many people. A survey conducted by LoveHoney sex toys of over 1,000 sexually active participants found that almost 80% were dissatisfied with their sex lives! If you are ready to be part of the Holy Grail of the 20% who ARE experiencing pleasure, satisfaction, and connection in their sex lives, read on, because this article is for you.
Performative based sex
So what’s the problem with the example of sex I shared above? This is an example of performative based sex, and this what most of you have experienced personally or culturally through movies,media, and subsequently in your own sex life. How does this show up? As a man, you may have experienced incredible pressure to come, to get and stay erect, to have a big dick, and to last a long time, otherwise you are inadequate, not manly enough, and should be deeply ashamed of yourself. Instead of focusing on connection and attunement, you have focused on your cock, what it can do, and how many times.
As a woman, you may have found yourself feeling inadequate if your partner doesn’t come, like you’re not “hot” enough, or felt anxious that you were taking too long to orgasm and your partner might not like you if you aren’t hot and ready to go in an INSTANT. I also guarantee that you have had sex where your pussy was NOT wet or fully turned on, but you bypassed that from the place of fear that you aren’t enough unless you are immediately ready to fuck like every show from Sex in the City to Emily in Paris to you name it portrays.
Quite frankly-these portrayals of sex are toxic and have led to a whole lot of people being really confused about why they aren’t turned on like that. You might have thought, “What’s wrong with me??” or “Maybe I’m just not meant for sex”. This is in contrast to the REAL reason you are having unsatisfying sex?
Sex does NOT work like you see in the movies, nor does foreplay.
What are examples of “performative based sex” beliefs,and why does it suck so bad?
Here are some examples
1)Sex where gentital penetration is the goal, and without it you don’t feel complete
2) Ejaculation = sex is over
3) You expect your body or that of your partners to look a certain way in order to be worthy of sex or desire
4) You are stuck in your head worried about how long you are taking to orgasm instead of enjoying the present
5) If your partner doesn’t orgasm, you feel like you failed
6) You fake your desire to have sex just to “end the encounter” with someone so you can move on and go home
7) You have sex before you are fully turned on in order to “please” your partner
8) You withhold when things don’t feel good or you don’t really like them
If you are reading this list and saying to yourself, “Damn, I have done or do ALL of those things!”
Don’t beat yourself up. In fact I would be more surprised if you HADN’T! Because facts, very few people are sex educated- I wasn’t either, even though I’m a sex coach, until I got serious about uncovering why I had done literally EVERY single one of the 8 bullet points I listed.
Not to mention- performative sex is WAY more likely to end up causing trauma for one or more of the people participating in it with that subconscious mindset. Why is that? Because during performative based sex, you aren’t listening to your own or the other person’s body. You are focused on an external metric to tell you ‘good job!’ instead of being fully present.
You might be asking yourself-
Why is it that so many people, likely including you, have engaged in these behaviors, and what can you do instead so you start having the best sex of your life?!
As an intimacy coach, I see that sex in our culture is a sticky subject, and there are a whole lot of beliefs floating around in the collective unconscious that contribute to performative based sex.
Take Mike for example. Mike is 35, a software engineer living in the bay, and is a very smart and driven person. When he has sex with his girlfriend, it’s really important to him that she orgasms. Why?
“Because then I feel like I did a good job”.
Oof. I really love orgasms, truly, but they are a VERY small portion of sex. And if you are focusing on that as the outcome because you want to feel accomplished instead of asking yourself the really important questions I will outline below.. You are probably missing out on a whole lot of other beautiful parts of your connection because you are in your head, treating orgasm like something that needs to be ticked off a list.
I know that for me, performative based sex was the cause of me thinking I didn’t like sex or I needed it to be novel in order to truly enjoy it. It actually made me AVOID it, until I had the incredibly epiphany that I can do sex ANY FUCKING WAY I WANT TO. I get to decide what’s on the table. I get to decide when to stop. I get to decide the boundaries. I get to share my desires. WOOOWWW!!! What a shift from “I better be hot enough to make him come”.
The truth is, performative sex is based on things like
-trying to make sure you are doing it “right” instead of focusing on learning, growing, and creating new experiences by attuning to your partner and self
-feeding your ego because if you or the other person squirted, you must be doing something right, and if you don’t, well, you’re probably inadequate
-putting quantity over quality to measure your sexual prowess or attractiveness (how many partners have I had/how many can I attract vs. how fulfilling are my encounters)
-putting your needs aside in order to please someone else because you believe that is the way to keep love
-avoiding sharing or giving feedback about your or your partner’s experience because you don’t want to hurt their feelings or come off as difficult or “high maintenance”
Yeah. These certainly aren’t nefarious, but they ARE detrimental to what’s possible for your happiness and sex life. And they create a fertile breeding ground for
-not enjoying sex
-avoiding sex
-chasing sex because you don’t feel fulfilled
-criticizing your partner during sex
-feeling lonely during sex
-feeling bad after sex
-feeling disconnected from yourself and/or your partner
-trying to create distance from your partner so you don’t have to have sex
-avoiding dating and physical intimacy
None of these are very cool. The GREAT news?? When you drop performance based sex metrics and focus on pleasure based sex that focuses on all the aspects performance based sex does NOT? THIS is where the best sex of your life lives!! Trust me, I’ve actualized this in myself and countless clients. So read on if you are ready to uncover the secrets to the steamy, sacred, and fulfilling sex you’ve been dreaming of.
Pleasure Based Sex.
As a teenager, I thought I was sexually liberated because my friends all had vibrators and we watched Sex and the City. But truthfully? Sexual liberation is FAR more than having some sex toys and watching a TV show. While I have always been a highly sexual and sensual person, I repressed it for YEARS because
-I was afraid of getting bullied by women who were jealous of me (yup, this happened a LOT)
-I didn’t think it was intellectual enough to be a freely sexual being and thought people would miss seeing my smarts as a result
-I was deeply ashamed of my desires and didn’t how to express them
-I didn’t know how to create boundaries for sexual experiences
-I was met with resistance by some partners when I tried to introduce new ways of playing
So I played small, abandoned myself, and didn’t get what I really wanted…
This was a MASSIVE shift from the subconscious beliefs I had been carrying around which included
-your body has to look a certain way in order to be worthy of pleasure
-you can’t put boundaries on an experience because then your partner might lose interest (and somehow it didn’t occur to me to do)
-if you didn’t get off or they didn’t get off, it wasn’t a worthwhile experience
That is, UNTIL I learned and EMBODIED the principles of pleasure based sex 🙂
When you start to shift out of performative based narratives, you free yourself from limiting and realize
-your body is worthy of pleasure, no matter what you look like
-you can put boundaries on an experience and have it feel REALLY good
-you or your partner having an orgasm isn’t important, what’s important is connecting and feeling good together
-you can have a great time WITHOUT sex, genital play, or penetration!
When you are focused on these kinds of metrics you get stuck in your head, worried about how you look, if the sounds and smells are too much or not enough, and all kinds of other thoughts that take you out of the moment and into anxiety and stress. Have you ever experienced that??
That’s not a very fun way to have sex.
Pleasure based sex has helped my amazing clients do a total 180 to not only have the best, most delicious sex of their lives, it helps to
-amplify your confidence so you approach who you actually desired instead of shying away in fear
-enjoy experiences without being worried about having to stop in the middle for an uncomfortable conversation
-find your voice to clearly ask for what you want and express what you do not
-open up safety and trust for both me and my partners
So what are the principles of pleasure based sex?
Attunement and connection are the priority, NOT penetration or number of orgasms
Collaboration and communication are foundational to the experience, and encounters begin with checking in to see what each person desires and what their boundaries are
Orgasm and genital touch are not the main focus or required
There is no expectation for either person to achieve a certain outcome besides staying present and attuned to their needs and that of their partner’s (eg no need to have sex, no expectation for an erection or vaginal wetness)
Emphasis on physical sensations and connection
Regular check-ins to see what is feeling good, what’s not, and to make adjustments accordingly
Ends at any point when one person wants it to, without needing to apologize or over explain
Wow! Can you imagine what your sex life would look like if you followed these principles? Even better idea- don’t imagine it, start DOING it! I know it can seem like a big leap and even a little scary, but I promise you, the changes you will see in your level of pleasure, safety, and connection, are WELL worth the risk of being “new” at something.
Some of you are also thinking, “What the hell am I supposed to do if there’s no genital touch, penetration, or orgasm??”. If this is you, I completely understand your sentiment- AND this is a big invitation to look at why you are so focused and reliant on those activities!
And honestly- some of the best sex I’ve ever had came after taking sex off the table, and then felt so safe with my partner that I got super, extra turned on and renegotiated to have an AMAZING experience!
Trust me. If you build trust and safety by taking away any “obligation” to your encounters, your partners will feel soooo safe- and a regulated nervous system is THE KEY to the sex you’ve been dreaming of. On that note…👇🏻
What are some examples of beautiful ways to enjoy pleasure without having sex or genital touch?
- Play a tease game where you don’t actually touch or kiss the person, but get really close, blowing on their neck, nipples, lips, etc
- Lay in front of a fire on delicious, soft, velvet or something like that while taking turns massaging each others upper bodies
- Narrate what you like about the person- the sound of their laugh, the way they look at you, the color of their eyes, the softness/roughness of their skin, the way they help people, their intelligence
- Sit together cross legged with knees touching and eye gaze while holding hands and breathing at the same pace
- Tickle your skin with a feather/silk, or whatever else you like to be touched by
- Explore types of touch- grazing, massage, kneading, spanking, slapping
There you have it! As an intimacy and sex coach, I welcome you to your new paradigm of pleasure based experiences 🙂
Are you ready for a guide on this journey? Apply for a free consult (valued at $250) with Amaya today!