I used to avoid hard conversations like the PLAGUE- especially when it came to asking for what I needed emotionally and sexually from partners..
In fact, I resorted to all kinds of weird, NOT useful strategies like
– avoiding what needed to be said and instead getting passive aggressive when my partner didn’t read my mind–
retreating from physical intimacy because for me, my unmet needs turned into a chastity belt that made me lose interest in sex
-breaking up with partners because I could no longer stand the nagging voices in my head that told me “something isn’t RIGHT here..”
-blowing up at inappropriate times or have disproportionate reactions to something that was said or done…
Yup.
Not proud of it.
If you are noticing yourself in any of this- You have probably been swallowing your needs for YEARS!!
The bad news?
If you don’t do anything about it- it won’t magically get better.
The GREAT news?
Here’s what you need to do in order to make the internal shifts that will allow you to share your needs, get your desires met, and start having healthy, conscious communication that is the foundation to every great, long lasting relationship.
Not only that? These same steps can be used with family members, coworkers, or friends, and will make communication in your life better across the board
Shift number 1
1) Stop future-casting doom, and start focusing on the positive outcome!
Here is an example of what I mean
Meet Annie.
Annie has been married for 12 years, and hasn’t been enjoying sex for the last 5
Every time she thinks about bringing up her true desires, her body fills with dread because all she can think about is
“What if I get rejected or my husband doesn’t want to do what I ask?”
She preps her nervous system and body with fear and a subconscious belief that she will end up divorced if she asks for her needs.
This is where Annie’s life becomes a choose your own adventure-
Either she will CHOOSE to remain in fear, closing off even more, leading to less and less sex until they eventually stop having it, and both are miserable, one because she doesn’t enjoy herself or speak her needs, and the other because he is now in an involuntary celibacy and being left in the dark about the true reason why..
OR
When her body contracts with fear, she realizes
“This is an old response from childhood where I used to be scared to upset my Dad so I learned how to be a “good girl”’ by suppressing my needs’
And instead of succumbing to it?
She soothes that part of herself, letting her inner child know it’s okay and that she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore, because adult Annie is here to take care of things…
She remembers that her husband LOVES her and of COURSE he wants to support her in meeting her desires.
And when she sits down to talk with him?
She taps into THAT energy when she shares her needs and desires.
Doesn’t that feel better?
The truth is- we have been conditioned to “brace” for “hard” conversations- but what if you released all that icky energy and started bringing the energy of peace, love, and possibility instead of doom and gloom?
One VERY simple way to know if you have succeeded in that is to think about what you want to say-
And then see what your body is doing.
Have your shoulders rolled forward in protection? Or is your heart open in receptivity?
Are your legs and arms crossed or clenched? Or are they open and relaxed?
For me personally, one of the WORST things someone can say to me is
“We need to talk”
Ughhhh nooooooo.
Some better alternatives include-
“I have something I’d like to share with you”
“Can we drop in and connect?”
“Are you available for a conversation?’
Shift number 2
Now that you’ve cleaned up your energy and understand the connection between your body and whether or not you are HAVING these important conversations, and what to do about it-
It’s time to learn how to be heard.
The best way to do this?
2) Use “I” vs ”You” statements.
What do I mean when I say this? I mean that you should describe your experience in “I” language instead of “You” language.
“I” statements automatically shift the focus to your experience and feelings, and are much easier to receive than “you” statements.
“You” statements are often accusatory, whereas I statements don’t trigger as much defensiveness.
Here is an example in action..
John and Mary have dinner plans. Mary’s boss often asks her for things last minute at the end of the day, and she ends up showing up to dinner 30 minutes late because she says yes instead of putting up a boundary because she is subconsciously worried that if she says no, her boss won’t like her and her job will be at risk.
John has been sitting alone in the restaurant, getting upset and embarrassed because he is sitting all alone while couples are around him at every turn, and because this often happens. Internally he is getting tense, and starts blaming her for his experience. When Mary does show up, he greets her with a grim face instead of a smile.
“Why were you late again?” he says before she even sits down, his body language and voice agitated.
Mary is already exhausted from her long day, and immediately gets tense- and defensive.
“Seriously? I haven’t had a minute to myself all day, I rushed here as fast as I could, and this is the greeting I get? You know that my boss likes to throw things at me last minute, what am I supposed to do, lose my job?”
“You always have the same excuse” John replies.
They both sit in silence, stewing, and the dinner date that was SUPPOSED to bring them closer becomes another tick in the “ways things aren’t working box”.
Now imagine this same scenario- but with some powerful shifts.
John is waiting for Mary, and he notices that he is getting really tense and feeling embarrassed to be out in public alone because he doesn’t want anyone to think he is a “loser’. When that little voice comes up, instead of getting angry and putting the responsibility of his emotional state on his partner, he recognizes he has control over how he feels. (part 1 of what you learned today).
He takes some deep breaths, and calms himself down by reminding himself that it is okay to be alone in public, and that it doesn’t matter what these people think about him anyways- and truthfully, they probably barely notice him.
When she comes in late, he can see from her body language that she is stressed and worried he is going to be upset.
Instead of saying “You’re late again”, first thing, he greets her and allows her to settle and calm down. Once they have said their hellos and she has fully arrived in the space, meaning she is more relaxed and present, he shares.
“I’m really glad to see you. I noticed I was having some anxiety about sitting alone here in the restaurant, and feeling a little self conscious too. I feel a little hurt that you are often late because your boss keeps you late at work, and sometimes I feel less valued as a result. Could you please let him know you have plans next time he does that when we are meeting for dinner and you know it’s going to make us late?”
Mary tenses momentarily as her own fear of doing a bad job washes over her- but then she takes a deep breath and takes John’s hand.
“I know you get anxious, and I’m really sorry I was late. Thanks for sharing how you feel with me. I will do my best to let my boss know I have plans next time. I get scared that I might lose my job if I don’t do every little thing he asks which I know is irrational, but nevertheless comes up for me. Thanks for being patient with me, too.
And instead of sitting in angry silence?
They are brought even CLOSER because they shared their experiences from an “I” place vs “You” place.
What’s the 3rd step?
3) Use reflective listening
So often when people are engaging with each other, it’s to be HEARD. But to really HEAR what someone else is saying?
You must listen.
You do NOT have to agree with everything they say.
You don’t have to make it your truth.
And- if you tune into the experience your other is having?
You will gift the person speaking and yourself the experience of feeling someone really cares about what is being experienced.
That alone will completely change the way you interact with each other.
One of the BEST ways to understand what someone is getting from your words- is to ask the question- “What are you hearing?’ to the person you are sharing your experience.
Reflective listening gives that person the chance to share what they are understanding about your experience, and gives YOU the chance to fill in any gaps in what you are trying to convey.
So often we say something and ASSUME the other person gets what we are trying to convey.
Often it’s not the case at all.
Asking and listening gives us the opportunity to truly understand one another.
Example
Kelly and Alex have gone on a couple of dates, and Kelly notices that it often takes Alex a long time to respond to her texts. Kelly is healing an anxious attachment style, and is noticing an experience of tension and wondering if Alex really likes her.
Without reflective listening, it could go something like this.
Kelly is starting to feel resentful because she is feeling insecure, and it doesn’t feel good to her.
The next time she is on a date with Alex, a text comes to his phone and he responds immediately.
She gets triggered, and a voice inside of her says “See?!! He’s not really interested in you at ALL! Look at how quickly he answered that message, but it takes him DAYS to get back to you..”
She makes a snarky comment
“I didn’t know you had the ability to respond to texts quickly, that’s a serious miracle.”
Alex is taken off guard by the switch in her mood and tone, responds by saying
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Just noticing that you leave me on read for days, but when we are out together you have no problem being on your phone”
A tension is created, and when the date ends, both leave feeling less than good about the encounter.
Here’s a different way it could have been handled.
On their next date, Kelly says
“Hey Alex, I would like to share something with you. I first wanted to apologize for being snarky to you the other night. I was feeling insecure because when you don’t text me back in the same day, I am getting the message that you aren’t really interested in me. I got triggered when you responded to someone quickly the other night because I took it mean I must be last on your list of important people worth responding to.”
A look of understanding spreads across Alex’s face, and he says
“Thank you for sharing that with me, I was really confused by the sudden switch in your mood. I’m hearing that you took it to mean I don’t value you, is that how you took it?”
Kelly pauses, looking a little embarrassed and shyly says
“You know, that IS how I took it and I’m embarrassed to say so.”
Alex smiles and reaches across the table and takes her hand.
“Thanks for sharing that with me, there is no need to be embarrassed. If I’m honest, I like you a LOT! And I notice that I’ve been trying to play it cool because I don’t want to scare you off and because I’m a little bit scared of falling for you and getting hurt.”
Kelly looks deeply at Alex and nods.
“Sounds like we both might feel a little nervous about getting hurt again, doesn’t it?”
Alex nods back.
“It does.”
They smile at each other, and the rest of the night they are able to unlock a depth of intimacy and comfort with each other they hadn’t yet experienced, and THIS time- When they both go home?
They feel pretty freaking amazing.
To learn how to do this in your relationship, book a call with Amaya today by clicking the link below for a free 30 minute discovery call 🙂